She was in love. She was a new mother. They had been together for years and they were planning their official wedding.
And then, an unexpected shock.
Months before the big day they were involved in a car accident and for her fiancee, it was fatal.
She was completely devastated.
Years later, she sits here in this small tin-roofed classroom with us and the rest of the participants learning about how to question stressful thoughts with The Work of Byron Katie. She’s sharing her experience of how she found out she was HIV+ and this is how it began.
She went on to share that weeks after his death she went for a check-up with her doctor, the one she shared with her to-be husband, and he told her that her late fiancee was HIV positive. He went on to say that he was unable to share this news due to confidentiality reasons while her partner was alive and encouraged her to get tested. It was news she never expected to hear. She described it as the biggest shock of her life.
As the following days unfolded she found out that, along with the doctor, his family also new of his status. They were surprised that she was never informed by him.
Soon after it was confirmed that she was indeed HIV+ and she was left feeling bitterly betrayed.
That bitter feeling, the massive despair that she spoke of, this is what she poured out on to her Judge-Your-Neighbour-Worksheet. Finally all that raging pain had a right to life- on paper.
“He intentionally infected me with HIV”
A belief is defined as something one accepts as true or real; a firmly held conviction. And the statement above, the first one written on her worksheet, was just that. It had been accepted as true for years.
She initially answered the first two questions very quickly. It was a rapid succession of “yes’s”. And so, we slowed it down. Without experience, this Work may appear to be an intellectual process while to an open mind it is a deep mediation. So, we allowed time to really check it out and contemplate if there was anything that the mind was missing. “Is it true?- Can you absolutely know that it’s true?” These words make up two of the most powerful questions to still the mind and, even if just for a moment, step out of ones painful perception to examine if this individual interpretation of reality is accurate.
She answered “no” to the second question and took time to experience this new and unexpected paradigm. Afterwards she went back to the old, to share how she reacted when she believed that the love of her life infected her intentionally. All the inner turmoil, deep feelings of betrayal, and anger surfaced. She shared that she looked back on those years where they were inseparable and described that she saw him as a liar, saw the love that they shared as mere deception, and was left with hate and resentment towards him. This belief tainted any experience she had ever had with him; it made every laugh, act of kindness, and expression of love a lie. She saw all men, even her father, as "dogs".
It took time for her to drop into who she would be without this story, without the thought that he infected her intentionally. And, when she did, she spoke slowly. How she would be able to see how much he loved her, that she could feel the love now while the memories of their time together surfaced, and she witnessed how her anger, the anger that had spread to all the men in her life, dissolved.
In the turnarounds she slowly went through the memories of him from completely new perspectives. She discovered that it was truer for her that he didn’t intentionally infect her. She saw how much fun they had together, how she was a confidante for him, an advisor when he was unsure of himself, and how contentedly inseparable they were. She discovered that it could have been fear, not cruel intent, that led him to keep his status a secret; fear of rejection, the loss of the one he loved, and shame.
As her examples for turnarounds continued to pour out, she reunited with the man she loved once again and said, “I think I’m really getting this meditation thing now, wow.”
Welcome to The Work.
do you believe everything you think?
The belief "I can't" can blind us to options, solutions, alternatives and our inherent freedom. Preventing us from seeing what we do have and working with it from a place of vibrancy, empowerment and abundance.
In the groups each person made a list of what they believe HIV prevents them from doing that felt stressful for them. Below is one of the participant's list.
Because I’m HIV+ I can’t: - have friends - work - enjoy life - have more children - go overseas - carry heavy duties - donate blood - change my status - have unprotected sex - eat what I want - succeed - see my children graduate - plan for the future - stop taking medication
And, do you know what was amazing? At the other side of inquiry every single thought had a line through it. I would ask each person I saw in individual sessions to let me know if there was any thought on the page that had remaining stress associated with it, any that they still believed…there wasn’t.
Through asking the questions of The Work a lot of thoughts were seen through by simply acknowledging that in reality they COULD do those things. Things such as eating those greasy foods, not taking medication, carrying heavy duties, having unprotected sex, etc. At the other side of inquiry they found where it was a choice to change their diet, take their medication, and alter their lifestyle. They discovered they preferred the option of living as healthy as possible.
Then there were the beliefs that with just a little contemplation were debunked with smiles on their faces and countless examples in the turnarounds: “I can have friends” “I can enjoy life” “I can go overseas, plan for the future, work, have children, succeed…” (Many HIV+ women in the class already had HIV- children…even the ones with the belief on their list!)
And then there were what appeared to be unquestionable facts.
“I can’t change my status”
We all know what this thought is like. That thing you just wish was different about your body, your childhood, your life-situation and the hopelessness that ensues with the thought, “I can’t change it.”
After answering the 4 Questions we arrived in the turnaround, “I can change my status.”
Countless specific examples were found of how each time they questioned a painful belief they had about their status, the stress disappeared, and the virus became less and less monstrous. They found how it wasn’t their status but their thoughts about their status that caused their stress and that the status changed as a result of their beliefs about it changing.
• • •
“I can’t donate blood”
This thought was especially stressful for one woman in particular. She used to go with a group of friends regularly to “help save people” with her blood donations.
After two decisive “yes’s” to the first two questions, she described the effects of believing the thought: how she felt sad, dirty, disappointed, rejected, and excluded. Without the thought, in the same situation of being HIV+, she found how she would be moving on with her life, no longer dwelling, present.
Then in the turnarounds, it got interesting: “I can donate blood”
After some serious introspection she found how she is saving people’s lives now by wearing protection, actively sharing information about HIV, and taking her medication as well as eating right. She was able to do all of this because of the blood pulsating throughout her body. With each smile, kind word, and supportive action she was donating her blood.
We questioned the same thought in the other group as well and even more examples surfaced. Every time they got their blood taken to check their CD4 Count, they were donating their blood in the service of their health, their life. At one point, one man perked up and with a big grin on his face exclaimed, “We can donate our blood for research!”
Yes! Yes you can.
Since testing positive with HIV, my friend expressed that she doubts that her daughter-in-laws genuinely accept her. She shared that while she’s around them she’s constantly scrutinizing; attempting to decipher whether or not their kind words and actions are merely fronts concealing their true disapproval of her.
She recalled a situation, years ago, when she was shaping her eyebrows with a razor in one of her son’s home. Her grandchild ran over to her in an excited pace and just before she could pick the razor off the table herself she heard her daughter-in-law from a short distance, “Mum, don’t give her the razor!”
She felt judged and very hurt. To her mind, it was clear that her daughter-in-law was undeniably stigmatizing her with the fear that she would spread the virus to the little one. She saw it as evidence that she didn’t accept her.
“My daughter-in-law doesn’t accept me”
Instantaneously she felt unwelcome in their home, like she had no dignity, was ashamed of her status and attempted to mask the hate she now felt towards her daughter-in-law. As a result, she stopped her frequent visits.
On the other side of questioning the thought, she was amazed with the discovery that the the pain she felt wasn’t due to the words her daughter-in-law said, rather, it was the meaning her mind gave to the words.
“Believing what you fear makes it true for you, and that doesn’t make it true.” -Byron Katie
In the turnarounds she found that it was truer for her that her daughter-in-law said it out of fear of her daughter cutting herself with the razor- a mother’s instinct reaction- not from a place of condemning her status. She saw that there wasn’t even any way it could have been contracted, there was no blood on the razor, and she asserted that her daughter-in-law would have known this. In the turnaround “My daughter-in-law does accept me,” all the examples flooded in and, this time, she was able to take them in. Examples of how her daughter-in-law would buy her good quality foods when they came into money, order taxis for her when the cues were long at the hospital, and often call to check in to see how she’s feeling.
I love that this Work can reveal the negative assumptions we make about what others are thinking. And through it we can get back our sanity, clarity, and maybe even a little more quality time with the people we love.
In an individual session this past week I sat on a blanket in the park as I heard one of the participants share what the last class was like for her. She asked me if I had noticed that she had tears in her eyes during one of the exercises we did and went on to share why.
She recounted that after testing positive with HIV the only soul she told, her Mother, swore her to secrecy. She described her Mother as extremely stressed by the news and remembers continually hearing her say that she refuses to have her children die before her. Her Mother’s health started to deteriorate rapidly until she finally passed due to what my new friend described as “being stressed” by her contracting HIV.
She believed that her Mother’s death was her fault. She had been living with this belief for years.
“Your Mother’s death is your fault” - Is it true?
We started with the first question of The Work and as the inquiry unfolded I traveled with her through the internal cause and effect of believing that thought. With the thought she described her bouts of crying, the guilt, the shame, and immense despair. In her mind she saw images of how her Mother would still be alive and healthy today if she hadn’t told her & compared that picture in the mind to the reality of her Mother’s death – she saw it as proof that she was to blame. At this point in the inquiry she was holding her head in her hands with tears streaming down both cheeks.
When it was time to move to question 4 she closed her eyes and, in silence, she waited. When she was moved to speak she shared that without the thought she would be lighter, freer, taking care of herself, and embracing the joy in life.
In the turnaround to the opposite, “My Mother’s death is not my fault” she realized that she had no control over how her Mother reacted to hearing that she had HIV. She saw that her Mother was very stressed by her own thinking & assumptions. She later noted that when she eventually did tell her sister about her status that her sister didn’t become intensely stressed or pass away. And it was as if, in acknowledging this, it reaffirmed that she herself had no control over how her Mother responded and allowed her to consciously recognize that there was never any malicious intent in sharing her status. She discovered her innocence.
As her examples for the turnarounds came to a close, she looked at me with plump tears in her eyes and with a smile on her face said, “I feel free.”